7 Pet Peeves of Polish Grandmothers

First, let’s be clear, Polish grandmothers are the greatest you could ask for, but we all know they have funny quirks and reactions to certain things. It’s with this in mind, that I bring you the 7 things that drive Polish grandmothers crazy.

When you’re too skinny:

The word skinny has a very broad definition in the Polish grandmother lexicon. It would probably be safe to say that anyone under 300 pounds is too skinny, but I’m sure there are Polish grandmothers who would expand that interpretation to 400 pounds.

The point is, you will always be too skinny for your Polish grandmother, and she will always want you to stuff your face with more pierogi. It’s a battle you cannot win, so don’t even try.

When it’s windy outside and you’re not wearing a jacket:

To your Polish grandmother, wind is a carrier of disease, destruction and death, even if it’s a light summer breeze. So if it’s 65 degrees out and you’re wearing short sleeves, be prepared to account for your actions when your Polish grandmother sees you.

She’ll probably yell, “Ubierz się, bo zmarzniesz!!!”

 

Standard portion sizes offered by a Polish grandmother

When you don’t finish everything on your plate AND  on the table:

 

This ties in with the too skinny  pet peeve. One does not simply finish dinner when his or her Polish grandmother is watching. Even if you clean your plate, she’ll still be upset that more food remains on the table which you are not taking advantage of.

Should you happen to finish all food on said table, your Polish grandmother will smile and bring you more food which she was saving in the pot on the stove.

When you’re not completely manhandling your competition in your school or work life:

If you have a Polish grandmother, you need to be THE BEST. THE VERY BEST. This goes for all aspects of life. It’s normal for your parents and grandparents to want you to succeed, but your Polish grandmother wants you to be a god.

So if you have a masters degree, you’d better be applying for that PhD program. If you are vice president of a multinational company, be prepared to justify why you are not president.

When you cough or sneeze…once:

You and your Polish grandmother are sitting at a table. Suddenly, some dust flies into your nose and you sneeze. As far as your Polish grandmother is concerned, you now have Ebola.

She will immediately ask,  “Co ty tak kichasz?” and warn you not to go out because you’re sick and you don’t want to make it worse.  Indeed, she will not be satisfied until you are in bed resting and sipping hot tea.

When  you watch anything violent on TV:

If you’re a fan of action or horror films, don’t reveal that side around your Polish grandmother since all such movies are a bad influence and represent the work of the devil. In fact, if you’re watching Star Wars Episode I, Darth Maul might be confused with the devil—not saying that did or didn’t ever happen.

When you have allowed any kind of food or drink to wystygnąć (cool off):

One of the worst things you can do in front of your Polish grandmother is let your food or drink  get cold. It’s like it becomes poison when it’s not scorching hot. Even if you are personally ok with eating lukewarm soup, your Polish grandmother will insist that it be warmed up at once.

As a result, such products as iced tea and cold cereal are abominations to your Polish grandmother and should be discontinued immediately.

Any other pet peeves of Polish grandmothers? Comment below!

How to Tell if your Grandma is Polish

Grandmothers are awesome in general, and Polish grandmothers are among the most loving and unique on earth.

In case you’re not sure if you have a Polish grandmother, here are some tell-tale signs:

It’s 80 degrees outside, and she tells you to put on a jacket:

Polish grandmothers care for their grandchildren very much, and they don’t want them getting sick. This often results in an obsessive fear that it’s always “cold” outside. A light summer breeze will result in a chest cold, while a few drops of rain are sufficient to induce pneumonia. As a result, young Polish or Polish-American children are often overdressed for the weather. So the next time you see a child wearing a hood when everyone else has shorts on, there’s a decent chance he has a Polish grandmother.

You’re always skinny and need to eat more:

Are those ground pierogi?

Even if you’re six years old and weigh 350 pounds, you’re still skin and bones for your Polish grandmother. The phrase “Jedz więcej” (eat more) is all too commonly heard by people with Polish grandmothers. She wants you to be healthy and strong, so as long as she’s watching, you’d better down those pierogi like it’s no one’s business.

You WILL be at church on Sunday:

A Polish grandmother cares for her grandchild’s eternal soul as much as she cares for his/her physical body. So you’d better be at church on Sunday, the earlier the better. If you’re not, hell awaits…when you see your Polish grandmother again.

She buys you clothes without any regard for style:

Not a kid, but you get the point.

For Polish grandmothers, the main function of clothes is, well, to clothe. Style is irrelevent. Remember, Polish grandmothers grew up in communist Poland—where clothes wore you. The result of all this? Let’s just say a certain Polish guy remembers receiving very girlish-looking sweaters and long underwear as a little kid.

You mean the world to her:

They say that grandmothers love their grandchildren more than their children. This couldn’t be more true when it comes to Polish grandmothers. They’ll stick up for you no matter what. When you come home from the world’s stresses and problems, they’ll have a nice hot bowl of soup (or three) waiting, even before you manage to take your hood off.